Chapter 7: Clean Up - FINALE?

A letter of farewell...

Its not always been clear to me kung bakit napakainsensitive mo pagdating sakin.
The truth is sometimes hindi ko na kaya, at minsan nagiging manhid na din ako. Bakit pagsa ibang tao iba ka? Bakit pagdating sakin parang bale wala?

Sinadya ko na hindi ka replayan... dahil baka mauwi lang sa away. I'm tired of arguing with you, kasi it's pointless eh.

I just want to be alone for a while, from you. You might be angry at me or not. Pero I am doing this one for real. I have nothing to teach you about magic, its all up to you, I might have failed on teaching you the other stuff that you should learn from me pero you can learn it na rin naman from anyone from TSC.

Things has to change when situations change. It's not the same, and it cannot be thesame. I need lots of time. You might see me, or not sa TSC, but things cannot be thesame.

Sorry, sorry sorry... i dont know if you will forgive me or not... Just think na malayo yung pinuntahan ko at hindi ako makabalik agad. Sorry din sa mga pagkukulang ko. At sorry kasi, hindi ko maitago yung totoong nararamdaman ko.

I didn't expect to see you last sat. At the back of my mind, nangaasar ka lang, saying the things that I told you na ayaw kong marinig. Kaya siguro parang ayaw kitang makita. You should have stayed with him na lang and celebrate.

I cannot be the one na pagkekwentuhan mo about your present bf. So, baka yun yung dahilan. Baka magaway lang tayo lalo kung mgkikita tayo. You cannot have everything, and sometimes you have to give up one thing for another thing.

I am not sure if Im paranoid lang or dala lang inis.

If you still wanted to be my friend.. just understand. Juast pray for me na yung mga bagay na pinaplano ko will turn out fine. Sa bagay I am tired of expecting things na and I hate being disappointed.

Oo! ako lang ang naghahanap ng sarili kong sakit. I need to heal from everything.

Just tell you mami-lola and your mom na graduate ka na sakin.

I am wishing that someday, you will understand the happiness and joy na naramdaman ko nung magsama tayo.

Like I said, I want all the things na hiniram mo sakin returned to me.
The DVDs and yung payong ko. You can give it to Nomer.

I will return what I should have returned.

Just always take care, you're a big girl. Sabi nga ni Joannie, nabuhay ka nung wala ako.

Dont be to stubborn, because marami yung ngaalala pag may ginagawa kang delikado.

Let's just think na yung 3 months is just a dream, pero it has just a bad ending dahil kailangan mo nang gumising sa katotohanan.

Hindi ko kayang umiyak dahil naiinis ako pero, I think I am ok. Pinaghandaan ko na rin naman ang lahat. Siguro marami pa kong gustong sabihin.. pero... maybe this is enough.

Kahit minsan sana, palambutin mo naman yung puso mo pagdating sakin. This is the turning point... this is the day na na foreseen ko 2 months ago.

If your gonna ask me if I love you, yes I do. I care about you, a lot. If things go the way I wanted it to be 2 months ago, next year baka manligaw ako. Unless you someone in your life.

Dont take things for granted, you'll miss them when its gone.

I have no regrets of meeting you and knowing you. I wanted nga sana na maulit ang lahat ng craziness na nagawa natin. Pero sa ngayon, I just wanted to move on, move away, until its time to meet again, kung darating man un. Marami pa naman dyan na pwde mong maging best friend, I am just the wrong person for that role.

Masyado na bang mahaba... buti na nalang pagod na ko...

I just wish you all the best sa magic, TSC and school, and life. I wish you happiness, and just be true to yourself. Love and take care of what you have right now.

Farewell Andrea... Ikaw yung pinakamagandang pagkakamali ko.

-- END -- ? ? ?

Chapter 6: Pointless Illusion

Your eyes may deceive you. Things are not always what they seem. Take a look... Are you watching closely?

Its has been almost 3 months and it felt like we know each other for a long time. It is weird na masaya ako pagkasama siya pero at the same time I can feel the pain which is caused by the though that we are not meant to be. I tried to move on and she tried to put me away. But then suddenly we found ourselves doing the same old thing.

There are times na sumakit na talaga ang ulo ko dahil sa worries na binibigay nya sakin. Pero why do I stick with her. Paano ako nakakatiis? Is it because of the thought na mahirap maghanap ng katulad nya? Eh halos sya na nga talaga yung hinahanap ko, kaso, parang mali eh... first of all the age gap, second she's falling inlove with someone who she barely sees. Nakakainis! ako naman yung lagi nyang kasama at ako yung nakakatiis sa mga bagay na alam ko eh susukuan ng iba. I love her? Hanggang kelan? I told her that someday hindi na kami magkikita, possibleng after a few months or next year pa. Something tells me na nagaaksaya ako ng panahon sa bagay na hindi naman mangyayari.

What is moving on? Paano un? Isa lang ang naisip ko na bagay na makapaghihiwalay samin– remove my memory of her at ilayo siya sakin permanently. Gaano kalayo bago ko yung gusto ko para makalimutan sya? Hmm.. ibang planeta. Pero, teka... kaya ko ba talaga? Eh bakit isang araw lang na hindi sya magtext eh 'di ko na matiis?

Paano nga ba kung mangyari na yung gusto niyang mangyari? Well, I think I want may things returned to me, lahat ng hiniram nya. Then, maybe i'll change my number. Pero paano un? halos every week din kami magkikita? hmm.. di ko alam. Lalayo na ba talaga ko? My role can be replaced by someone better, kung papayag siya.

Walang kapupuntahan tong sinasabi ko. Naiinis ako sa mga nangyayari. The clock will soon to turn to the time na wala na ang lahat. Can someone slap me hard on the face! I wanna wake up...

Someone made an arrangement to be acquainted with me. I agreed, because its no big deal. I don't wanna expect anything because I am really tired of expectations. In case that this turns to a good friendship I have a new friend. But how about beyond friendship? I don't know.. we will see...

Chapter 5: 88-203-271-0301

Some things are not yet meant to end...
Gusto ko na sanang tapusin ang lahat, kaso nanghihinayang ako sa mga nangyari. May mga bagay na hindi na lang kasi basta kinakalimutan, at hahayaan na lang.

I have learned so many this, these past two months. Weird feelings, emotions and crazy moments, that what I can describe these experiences that taught me many things.

Why is it 88-203-271? Well.. here is why...
The first two digits describes the loud music and whispering of words. Deciding things, pretending, bonding, drinking, taking pictures, meeting people, smiling, laughing... and the lie. The other numbers? Take a guess!

The lie is white lie that could be a bad lie if a bad thing should have happened. I was a part of the lie that resulted to many things. But at least it was worth the fun and experience. Walking, talking about life, love life then trying weird things like looking at the Manila Bay's horizon, upside down and get sick because of the illusion of falling down.

Walking along the Baywalk as they call it... talking about many things that concerns us. People, things that lead to every event I have been since the last 2 months. Knowing her real identity and self gave me a lot of thinking. I do love her. Yes I do. But she can't love me. But we do things that most lovers do–holding hands, hugging, kissing... a relationship filled with heart breaks, doubts, lies and make believe, well, for me at least.

I look at her as my girlfriend, someone special. I never thought na makakakilala ko ng katulad nya. Pero, bakit hindi ako ganun kasaya? Kasi... may gusto syang iba... pero eto.. magkasama kami sa madilim na lugar, natutulog. We didn't do anything bad. Promise.

After an hour, nagising ako... just wondering, kung bakit ganito? So, after a while... nagising sya. We talked. And then a few minutes later, I am already wrapping my arms around her, holding her hand, like true lovers, pero hindi. The other details, I can't remember and I cannot tell... but it is filled with conversation, stories... and a little back and foot massage. Don't think of the three letter word, because... honestly... there's nothing to tell about it, because nothing happened. OK?

6 hours.. then we have to part.. and we discovered something... the stupidity... the switch! Yep, there is a master switch, but then, there is a switch for each of the TV, light, and aircon... stupid! Syempre first time...

This is the most expensive day.. and the most unforgettable day of my life... for now...

Somethings are yet to come? or maybe this is a sign of the end of the craziness I'm involve with.

After a few days... well.. another crazy event has surface.
What will you do if you love someone, and learned that she is pregnant? What if the father is the Ex-bf, or someone you don't know or someone you didn't expect.

Most guys will get angry, and leave the scene before the situation gets more complicated.

Of course I will feel the same way, and I am very disappointed with her. Its just that she is not my girlfriend, but then I am affected, and you don't have to ask why.

Well, still I cannot go thru the details... but it turned out to be negative. But as of this moment, I have a little doubt.

I am starting to really hate her, but then the feelings go in the way... I have only known her for 2 months, but its seems like a year to me. Eh halos araw araw ko syang kasama... ayus di ba? well, mas ayus yun if she feels the same...

I am just being stupid, risking some things just to feel needed, and to know and learn things when I'm in a relationship. But I hope, next tym I'll meet someone who would love me back.

I tried to say bye, twice, but just a few days ago... she insist that I should move on... let my feelings go... we should not see each other or text or talk for a while... 2 weeks daw... pero... kung hindi sya makatiis na itext ako... mas lalong hindi ko kaya...

It was just a few hours ago na we decided not to text for three days... and meet on Friday... I am preventing her from being bored and to leave for the province and might not come back for a long time. Although maybe its for the better, but if her return day is unsure, wag na lang.. kahit ako hindi makatiis..

So, question.. makakamove-on ba ko?
sagot... depende!

Eh pano yan, I am invited sa province... still, cant tell when, pero... I won't if the other guy is coming...

Jealous? yes, pero... para akong babagsakan ng isang toneladang bakal sa ulo pag kasama ko un... wag na lang kung ganun...

Magkakaalaman na lang when the day comes at magkikita kami ulit.. but then, I know... miss na nya ako... sana lang hindi siya masyadong mabored at magdecide na umalis...

Chapter 4: Out of Reach

Someone tells me.. enjoy life as it is... you'll never know when its over...
it could be the last day that you'll be able to do the things you wanted to do, the last day you wanted to be with that someone...

She's just an inch away... when I told her, "Mahal na kita..." for the first time. That moment I was really sure of what i feel, but then someone tries to pull the plug off my happy minute. She likes her, but I don't know what can it lead them. I like her so much that I might forget some important things in my life.

How would you know that you are taken for granted? How would you know that you are just being tested? How much love can you give? When is the time that you'll give up?

How would I know that she would fall in love with me someday? How am I significant in her life?

It's hard for me to ask such questions and hard to pick up the answers. Feelings go in the way, jealousy, love, anxiety, insecurity... just to name a few.

I get angry sometimes because of what she does. She always tell me about the guy whom she likes and it kills me every time. It's hard. It hurts. But I am empty without her. Should I move on and try not to see her as frequent as I do today? Can I really do it? Or wait...

She listens, she barely listens to what I say... or she listens and it is not a big deal.

I said I will set aside these feelings I have for her, maybe I can move on. But then I know that I am hoping... hoping to be with her for the rest of my life. How can I make her love me as I love her. How can I make her feel the real feelings that I am showing? Or should I make ways to deal with the other guy? how? I don't know? And at least I haven't thought of you know... terminating him, in our group because its just too unethical and unruly.

Let's just say... I am running out of words... I am goin crazy.. all I know is I would stay with her as long as I can... but everything should have an ending... like my patience... love can wait, but I might get exhausted... and try to love another... someone who understands me better than her...

Chapter 3.5: Disconnected - Part 2

Disconnected... sa lahat...
the worst has yet to come...
changes... marami.. sa kanya oo... sa akin oo...

Honesty... nakakadeceive.. how.. i dunno.. why do I have a feeling na meron akong hindi alam?
I told myself not to doubt her. And it works for me, because I know she is true, somehow...

Nadala ba akong ng emosyon? nagsayang ba ako ng oras? o ok lang kasi I learned a lesson that I will never forget?

Masakit yung dibdib ko, kasi namimiss ko sya... pero bakit pagmagkasama kami, parang ganun pa din.

Bakit pag ako nagmahal at sa tingin ko ok ako.. sila ang may problema?
bakit hindi tumatama ang lahat... bakit ganun? Hindi ba pwedeng matapos na nga ang lahat? hindi ko kasi maintindihan.

Naniniwala pa ba ako sa love? oo.. kasi hindi ko yata matanggap na illusyon lang ito...
Nanggigil ako na sana... hindi na lang nangyari ang nangyari... sana hindi ko na lang nalaman, at sana, wala ako nung sabado na un... pero nagpapasalamat ako sa naranasan ko.
Pero WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Ako yata yung nalinlang... hindi ako makakonek! busy yata yung hotline ng mga sekretong binubulong sa iba na alam ko na maaapektuhan ako...

sobrang sakit, pero parang inasahan ko na rin to...
hindi na kita makilala... ikaw nga yung nakilala ko? bakit hindi ko makita, yun taong nakilala ko...
babalik ba sya?

NAIINIS AKO!!! Bakit ganyan??? Bakit may ganun?

Involment... bakit mahilig ako dito? nageenjoy ba ko? o feeling ko ang bait bait ko.. bakit pa ba may mabait na tao? makit may mga tila nglalaro lang? Bakit kailangan na may masasaktan sa ginawa ng iba... pwde bang maging masaya at puro saya na lang.. nakakapikon na eh!

Magbabago pa ba ako? O nagbago na ko... dahil sa kanya ba? o para sa sarili ko...
Cannot be Reach. Mataas o mababaw... Iba ang ang lipad ng utak ng ibang tao... iba ang sakit sa puso at sakit sa ulo... pero parehong nakakamamatay...

Nalilito ka ba sa mga sinasabi ko? o naliliwanagan... Magisip kang mabuti...
Ano ba ang gusto mo sa buhay mo? Pag nakuha mo ba eh masaya ka na? Gago ka pala eh...
Bakit ako nagkakaganito?
Nadaya na naman ako... nagiingat naman ako.. kaso talaga bobo ako sa mga ganyang bagay... nagpagamit nga ba ako kahit alam kong masasaktan din ako...
Lintek talaga!!!

Bakit nga ba gising pa ko???

Connect... Disconnect.. parang internet ko... laging down...

Chapter 3: Disconnected - PART 1

Close... very close... connected... but then.. biglaan... you are disconnected...
Nawala sya... bigla.. hindi mo alam kung bakit... worried.. malamang...

Nangyari ng paulit ulit.. pero buti bumabalik...
Pano kung... mawala... makuha ng iba? kaya ba?

What am I thinking? Insecurity? Jealousy?

Have you ever lost something? Its ok to loose a key, a pen or a ring... you know you can replace them...
But what about loosing a person... If i you loose in a battle without a fight you will regret it...
If you loose the battle with a fight you might still be thinking what if or you just move on... But what if you loose the battle, and the battle was'nt really starting yet... thats a different story..

Nagpopost ako na parang walang karugtong.. ayaw ko kasi lahat iwento... pero at this moment, my heart is breaking into pieces, but then someone try to put it back together... but then, that someone is the same reason why it keeps on breaking... ironic???

Disconnected... connected.. disconnected...

Chapter 2: Things to do...

There are a handful of things that I am looking forward to... do with that someone
1. Luneta (DONE 02-20-09)
2. Manila Zoo
3. Ocean Park (ang mahal ng entrance)
4. Paws (DONE - Regular thing since 01-17-09)
5. Painting Figurines
6. DVD watching
7. Magic etc. (DONE - Regular thing since 01-10-09)
8. Sleep together (DONE - 02-24-09)
9. Mass at Church(yung di ko pa napuntahan at nasimbahan)

i dunno if i have forgotten something... ill update next tym..

updated: April 25, 2009